SPIRITUAL GIFTS

“Spiritual gifts” is an interesting area to ponder.

They are a piece of the ground that God has given us to claim as part & parcel of our very selves. Who is Steve Wilson? To answer this without claiming my gifts would be to dishonor The Donor. I have the right to use these gifts as they were intended (for the benefit of the church). It is my duty to defend them from improper use by others or myself. To do this I must set clear boundaries so that everyone, including me, knows where I stand & where I intend to go.

Humility about my gifts should not cloud my ownership!

I need to acknowledge my gifts. I need to give them a name and call them out to the world. I need to record them, to mark their boundaries, and take possession of them. I need to climb to the top of the little mountain of my spiritual gifts and plant my flag. “Here are the gifts of Steve Wilson. This is the base of my operations. Authorized Personnel Only. Danger, Man at Work. Caution, will NOT make sudden turns, but will plow straight ahead!”

Here’s my scripture search on “Spiritual Gifts” -

Romans 12:2-4
1 Corinthian 1:3-5
1 Corinthian 12:1-3
1 Corinthian 14:1-3, 11-13
Ephesians 4:6-8

b - EAT - itude diet

RESULTS: DOWN 32 lbs

State of sobriety = 119 days.
Weight as of 7am 05/30/05 = 208 lbs.
Loss for week ended 05/30/05 => 208-208 = 0 lbs.
Total diet loss 17 weeks to date => 240-208 = 32 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 17 weeks = 1.9 lbs per week.

The First Plateau:

Zero for the week! First week of no loss in 17 weeks. Only a total of 2 lbs loss over the last three weeks. All the while staying on program. Bummer, but not discouraged. I bought new pants & shirts; down to 38 from 40; down to L for XL. So now it's about exercise as my body adapts with a slowing metabolism. I need to sweat. I've been walking daily 30min, but no sweat. I'll try the stationary bike this week; petal to perspiration!

SW

Recovery Bible Reading - Step 1 Themes

Steve's Daily Read - Sunday Summary
Luke Ch 6-10

In step one I am admitting I am powerless to control my hurts hang-ups and habits. This is a daily surrender for me. I have a need to be in control. More accurately I have the need to believe I am in control. To maintain the illusion of control I do things that I can control. Doing all the details as a form of control can be a distraction from my real objective.

Thus the little story of Mary & Martha, five verses at the end of chapter 10.

I take two recovery lessons from this story. First is that recovery is more that doing the steps. Second, the people that love us may not understand what we are doing and by accident or intention, interfere.

Martha was about doing. Mary was about being with and becoming like Jesus.

See "Steve's Daily Read" for my complete reflections on Recovery Step 1 themes in this weeks readings: www.bbstudyblog.blogspot.com

b--EAT--itude diet week 16

RESULTS: DOWN 32 lbs

State of sobriety = 112 days.
Weight as of 7am 05/23/05 = 208 lbs.
Loss for week ended 05/23/05 => 209-208 = 1 lbs.
Total diet loss 16 weeks to date => 240-208 = 32 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 16 weeks = 2.0 lbs per week.

DITTO FROM LAST WEEK:

Sometimes its a little disappointing. I was definitely on program but only down a pound. I will fast today, fruit & a piece of home made bread. I have been walking about 50%, so I'll have to kick that up a notch. Could be just a plateau or the scale.

but I'm sober: no fast food or sweets for over a hundred days. Now that's big !!!!

If i go less than two pounds again I'll reevaluate & reduce calories.

SW

Goodbye Don

In honor of the passing of our brother in recovery
Don Thomas
my Sunday Blog
will remain dark until Monday.

Don died in an auto accident
Saturday afternoon.

He is survived by
his wife Debbie
and
his son 15 & daughter 12.

Don ask me to be his sponsor
just a few short weeks ago.

He was truly dedicated through recovery to his savior.
He will be greatly missed
by all.

LETTING THE CHIPS FALL

LETTING THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY - DENIAL CHECK UP


Denial: Clinging to false beliefs

“I guess I’m just going to have to let the chips fall where they may.”

Well, duh!

The chips are actually the things that we cannot really control anyway. It’s a false belief. The idea that we can control how others react to our actions is vicious form of denial. It prevents us from doing what we know is the right thing to do. We believe that if we wait for the perfect circumstances we can get the perfect outcome. Worse yet, we bend ourselves into a pretzel, run around in circles or walk on eggshells in the belief that we can make everyone satisfied with every out come.

Who do you respect more?
· The man that does the right thing in a tough situation, OR
· The man that compromises what is right to keep a situation from getting tough.

We know the answer. Why can’t we do it? DENIAL.

We make excuses. “No. I can’t do that. She’d go ballistic.” “I already tried that. They just refused.” “She won’t understand. It would just kill her.” “I stuck it out because of the kids.” Self-sacrifice. Mercy. Generosity. Kindness. Peace. All are important, but never to be sacrificed for the truth. In fact they only exist in reality when based on the truth. Based on false beliefs all these virtues will become vices.

What are the consequences of our compromising of what is right to keep our chips from falling?

Depression, anger, loneliness, isolation, drugs, alcohol, sex, food, control, violence, divorce, incarceration?

Getting out of denial is a matter of life & death.

What are you trying to protect, what are you trying to save, by keeping the chips from falling where they may? Are you just holding them back for a bigger fall, one that will destroy what you are trying to save?


Breaking Denial

The first step is to identify and acknowledge our areas of struggle and determining our current beliefs about theses conflicts.

More about this in my next post.

INTIMACY & FEELINGS

SHARING OF FEELINGS
&
THE ISSUE OF TRUST

Access to Feelings

When we share feelings we share our true selves.

Who we are, our authentic self, includes our beliefs, thoughts and feelings. Of the three, feelings are never wrong, they just are. Thoughts, however, can be flawed and beliefs false. Our feelings & emotions actually come from a deeper part of our brain than their intellectual counterparts. Even the word “feelings” implies their link to our physiology. Our bodies react to our feelings with responses like heart rate, perspiration, breathing, nausea, muscle weakness or strength.

If someone has control of our feelings they have access, not only to our thoughts & beliefs, but to our bodies and behaviors as well. Intimacy involves allowing access to our feelings.

So who do we allow to have access to our feelings?

Our feelings are for authorized personnel only. We do, after all, restrict access to our bodies & to our bank accounts. Keeping your clothes on and your wallet in your pocket does not make you an inauthentic phony nor does guarding our feelings.

Grant of Trust – Affirmation vs. Betrayal

Access to feelings requires the granting of trust.

Sometimes this “granting of trust” is appropriate, sometimes not. Whether it is given or not depends on two variables: capability & merit. Trust cannot be given unless the giver is capable of giving it & the beneficiary is capable of receiving it. Inability to give or receive trust is primarily an issue of brokenness. When capability is not an issue, then merit becomes the focus. Trust should not be given unless the beneficiary merits that trust. This puts a burden on the giver to determine trustworthiness. Without the ability to discern merit, the giver may grant trust to the unworthy or withhold it form the worthy.

When ones feelings are used against them to manipulate, control, criticize or condemn, trust is rewarded with betrayal. And betrayal of trust is the death knell of intimacy.

We must respect the care with which others guard their feelings and demand respect in guarding our own!

Intimacy then demands that we be trustworthy of another’s feelings. Closeness cannot live in a land of manipulation, control, criticism or condemnation. If people in general, and especially our loved ones, are unwilling to confide their feelings in us it is probably the fact that we are not trusted; that there is fear of control & criticism; that there are injuries form the past.

Granting of this trust is pre-requisite of true intimacy yet inappropriate use on another’s feelings is preventative.

Feelings shared should only be used to affirm & understand.

Knowing underlying feelings can help us to affirm character of another. Affirmation is knowledge with out judgment. “I know exactly how you feel” can be the most powerful of healing medicines. Knowing that you can be heard is the first step to trusting.

Knowing the underlying feelings can help us understand the behavior of another. It can be very clarifying & helps us understand real motivations. We can attribute motivations to behaviors but it is simply guess work without direct knowledge. We really can’t read minds or hearts. We only get into trouble when we try.

Therefore, shared feelings should only be used to affirm & understand; never to manipulate, control, criticize or condemn.

Expectations of Trust

We generally have an expectation that our loved ones will trust us enough to share their feeling. In our marriage relationships, this is a key factor in satisfying our need for intimacy.

If we want others to share their feelings with us, we must be available, accessible, and reliable. Availability requires physical presents. “You gotta be around.” Accessibility requires mental presents. “You gotta be there.” Reliability requires emotional presents. “You gotta be there for me.”

Availability means staying connected. Distance between friends is immaterial. Time between friends in deadly. Intimacy requires continuity. People that care about people stay in touch. And it is seldom to late to renew a friendship.

Accessibility means being open. The first step to sharing is active listening, paying attention. This might include setting time aside, without interruption or distraction. One on one means just that.

Reliability means predictable and nonjudgmental. And intimate relationships have balance. They aren’t one sided. It’s not all about you; it’s not all about them. The best way to be open to sharing is to share, then listen. If you spend more time-sharing that listening you may not be accessible. It may be best to start with “share a little, listen a little”, beginning with the small stuff to create a track record of predictable acceptance.

Offering to hear someone’s innermost feelings can be a sign of love. But an offer is just that. Expectations, demands, or coercion will never build the trust needed for intimacy. Trust can only ever be given freely.

Therefore, never ask someone to share their feelings; only offer to listen.

Summary

Intimacy is based on trust. Sharing feelings is a sign of that trust. Trust is dependent on ones capability to give it. Trust should be based on the merit of the one to be trusted. Shared feelings can only be used to understand & affirm. Any other use such manipulation, control, criticism or condemnation will certainly destroy trust and prevent intimacy. Intimacy with feelings requires availability, accessibility and reliability. The trust needed for intimacy must be freely given. It can never be coerced or demanded but always sought in the form of a loving offer.

SW

b -EAT-itude diet - week 15

RESULTS: DOWN 31 lbs

State of sobriety = 105 days.
Weight as of 7am 05/16/05 = 209 lbs.
Loss for week ended 05/16/05 => 210-209 = 2 lbs.
Total diet loss 15 weeks to date => 240-209 = 31 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 15 weeks = 2.1 lbs per week.

Sometimes its a little disappointing. I was definitely on program but only down a pound. I will fast today, fruit & a piece of home made bread. I have been walking about 50%, so I'll have to kick that up a notch. Could be just a plateau or the scale.

but I'm sober: no fast food or sweets for over a hundred days. Now that's big !!!!

SW

GOODBYE D-MAN

GOODBYE D-MAN

Prayer for Dasher

He knew it was over. And so did I. He couldn’t lift his head or take any water. His stub of a tail, always ready to give a quick wag, was strangely still. As I stroked his heavy coat with a brush and scratched under his chin with my fingers he rolled his tired eye back and looked up with a grateful blink.

We all knew that this day would soon be at hand. His disorientation was the final clue. Yesterday he wandered out into the street and stop in confusion, not knowing where he was. Last night I found him lying in a distorted pose, seemingly unable to right himself to a more comfortable position. His breathing was very heavy as I moved him onto his bed for the night.

I saw that he had eaten his breakfast as I rose this morning to check on him. But that was a false hope. By mid morning he had settled, by afternoon he was immobile.

At 3pm I decided that I wouldn’t let him go another night in hopeless discomfort. I made arrangements with the vet and called Mary, she would meet me there @ 5:15. Lisa called and she decided to join us.

I had to carry him to the car. He rested his head on the window as he sat limp in my lap. He let me carry him into the little room and set him on the steel topped table without his familiar doctor’s visit struggle. He seem comfortable and at peace as we gathered around.

The doctors shaved his leg & inserted the needle, giving him a small dose to put him at ease. We gathered around and held hands for my final prayer:

Lord we are so grateful for all you have brought into our lives. First we thank You for giving us Your Son that He might die for our eternal life.

And we know that you bring all things to us to strengthen our character and show us way. And we know that when you bring life, you are also bringing death. But today we honor life.

Thank you for bringing us Dasher. In his own special way he has been a light to our path. From him we have learned the value of unconditional love, of strength and kindness, of loyalty & companionship, of innocent joy and boundless enthusiasm. He has been an example of how to face life with courage & grace. And in this same spirit he now faces death.

We honor his struggle to the very end. As we now must accept the end that we know has come.

So we now say goodbye to our friend Dasher, my little buddy.

In Your Son’s name we thank You for all these things. Amen

He took a dozen big deep breaths and then he was gone. We left him there, but we brought away our memories.

b-EAT-itude diet week 14

RESULTS: DOWN 30 lbs

State of sobriety = 98 days.
Weight as of 7am 05/09/05 = 210 lbs.
Loss for week ended 05/09/05 => 212-210 = 2 lbs.
Total diet loss 14 weeks to date => 240-210 = 30 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 14 weeks = 2.1 lbs per week.

walking up to 30 minutes a day. mothers day brunch of eggs muffins fruit. passed on strawberry pie dessert. scale acting a little fishy got readings from 207-211. SW

RIGHTS VS. DESIRES

The Great Boundary

A BOUNDARY is protecting something that we have a right to.
An EXPECTATION is anticipating something that is not ours.

BOUNDARIES are about our rights.
EXPECTATIONS are about our needs wants and desires.

Before we can set BOUNDARIES and EXPECTATIONS
We must know our rights vs. our desires.

We can CLAIM, demand and protect our rights
We must REQUEST, earn and negotiate for our desires.


Example: HONOR vs. RESPECT

Set your boundaries for respectful behavior without expectation of respect.

The bible says honor your father. This honor goes with the position, not the person. We can be honored as a father and not have the respect of our children. We can demand honoring behavior. But respect must be earned & is based on our behavior over time.

What is honoring behavior? They are the minimum behaviors we can claim from our children: like being addressed politely and with the proper tone; submitting to authority & the needs of the family; listening politely; respect for family property; following through on assignments & commitments. Claiming these rights from our children does not give us the right to be a dictator. All our rights have associated responsibilities for us. These would include: compassion, empathy, understanding, love, justice, mercy, grace, forgiveness and especially allowing our children to have their say & be heard.

Even if we earn fatherly respect, it can only be given to us freely, we cannot demand it. Even if we have earned it, our children's immaturity may prevent them from giving it. We can demand respectful behavior, but must earn the actual respect itself. We may need to repair our relationships with our children before we will earn their respect. So our patience is in order. But in the mean time we must claim our right to be honored with respectful behavior. This in itself may help earn the respect we crave.

Claim the behaviors; earn the respect, using appropriate boundaries & consequences with love.

Something to consider: as husbands we have similar rights to respectful behavior. We can claim certain minimum behaviors from our wives as our rights as a husband. But the rest must be earned and be given freely. A boundary of no abusive language, for instance, would be your right as a husband to claim, almost a duty, really. Yes, claim it with a boundary & appropriate consequences. But trust, for instance, once broken, must be re-earned. Here, it is your responsibility to express your need, want and desire to earn that trust back. Many of our wives forgive us, but we are disappointed that we are not immediately trusted again. This unreasonable expectation can lead to anger & resentment on our part. It is our responsibility to earn back, over time, any trust we have broken. Trust is not a right anymore than is respect. These require us to express our needs wants and desires by asking for the chance to prove ourselves... then doing it. (Always remember, her lack of trust may be about her brokenness & inability to trust regardless of your actions... this side of unmet expectations and our related co-dependent reactions is for another time.)

SW

Belief in someone is premeditated gratitude !

The church thanked Mary & the rest of the lead-ushers last night in the worship center with a dinner party, an nice blanket with the 25th anniversary symbol on it, and a vase full of flowers.... And Pastor Rick came... shook each hand... and thanked each individually.

When he spoke he told them how whenever he just believes in people they exceed all possible expectations....

wow.... I wanted to right that down when she told me... !


It's kind of like this:

IF... Expectation is premeditated resentment. (a threat)

THEN... Belief is premeditated gratitude. (a promise)


SO...

How have the people of my past trusted me... with expectation or with belief... and how would that have made a difference?

AND...

How do I choose, now, when it is time to place my trust in the people I love... and the God I love.... expectation or belief.

AND...

How do I choose to trust myself... by piling on heavy expectations or with fortifying belief that lifts & carries?? Do I believe in myself or do I simply have specific and limited expectations??

SW

bEATitude diet - week 13

91 days =

13 weeks =

3 months =

1 quarter of a year !!!!

RESULTS: DOWN 28 lbs

State of sobriety = 91 days.
Weight as of 7am 05/02/05 = 212 lbs.
Loss for week ended 05/02/05 => 214-212 = 2 lbs.
Total diet loss 13 weeks to date => 240-212 = 28 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 13 weeks = 2.2 lbs per week.

fasted monday prior to leading first group meeting (fruit only). walked at least 20 min per day. one restaurant meal (small group at elephant bar). still 2lb pound loss. considered fasting sunday and monday morning to try to make 30lbs total. got a migrane. sign for me to work the program & let God work the results. will go to 30 min exercise this week. cut back popcorn to 1/2 of bag instead of all... just fine tuning. SW