Hope & Insanity

Walking on eggshells? Smashing Eggs? Why do I do it? In order to make an omelet, eggs must be broken but not wasted.

Jesus broke eggs. He cracked the hard outer shell of the worlds understanding and belief. He simply lived out his authentic self & the eggs of denial cracked against the edge of his immovable truth. He told it straight, knowing that his body would be broken and scrambled. But in the end he would rise like a wonderful shuffle using the malleable inner components of the love, casting aside the hard broken shell of false pride.

I have at times walked on eggshells. I have been unwilling to be who I really am for fear that my relationships would crack. Once I start denying who I am, I must become someone I am not. This is where my coping methods become habits and addictions. This is where I was cling to these behaviors, doing them over & over again until I had a dozen eggs juggling in the air, trying to please everyone but God & myself. Eventually the eggs of my relationships come crashing down, to my constant surprise; doing the same thing over & over again; expecting a different result; hoping that this time the eggs won’t break.

I have at times stomped on a carton of eggs. I have been unwilling to accept the way others react to the real me. Once I start denying who I am, I must be someone I am not. This is when I have acted out in anger, driving away the ones I love before I can be rejected. I have also acted out in a passive aggression, isolating and withdrawing as if to punish those who dare not to accept the real me. I have allowed others to provoke & manipulate my emotions and behaviors through their withholding of approval.

I will no longer base my behavior on what is acceptable to others. I will no longer expect anyone to approve of my actions. I will do as God requires, even if it breaks a few eggs.

I will now fully be the person God made me to be: The real Steve Wilson. If you like it, come along for the ride, consider yourself invited. If not, that’s your problem, deal with it! I am going to live for an audience of One. I will submit to His leading, through his word and the discipline of being a part of his body, the church.

I no longer need to hide in my habits and additions. I cast them aside like so many broken shells. I now seek to abide in Him. I’m going to get busy making that omelet that He has set out before me. So stand back... Bam! I’m going to kick it up a notch.

SW

new steps

Mary, Newport Harbor Overlook.

This is the love of my life. She is struggling to follow as I begin to lead her through some new steps I have learned in the dance of life. We are each willing but sometimes frustrated as we unlearn the old and learn the new. SW

RESULTS: DOWN 36 lbs

State of sobriety from 1/31/05= 168 days.
Weight as of 7am 07/18/05 = 204 lbs.
GAIN for 2 week ended 07/18/05 => 202-204 = 2 lbs.
Total diet loss 24 weeks to date => 240-204 = 36 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 24 weeks = 1.8 lbs per week.

BAD WEEKs:

Back up 2 from my last offical Monday weigh-in, 07/04/05. Missed weighin last week because I was at Angel Tree Camp with kids who's parents are in prison. Three great meals per day plus Streeeeeeess. With the last two weeks being a struggle, I'm not surprised by my first gain in almost 6 months. Now back to the routine.

SW

RESULTS: Missed Weigh-In

State of sobriety from 1/31/05= 161 days.
Weight as of 7am 07/11/05 = XXX lbs.
Loss for week ended 07/11/05 => XXX

Total diet loss 23 weeks to date => 240-202 = 38 lbs. per last week
Average weekly loss over 23 weeks = 1.8 lbs per week.

SW- Missed weigh-in. Attending Angel Tree Camp.

I Am Not My Career

I think god is trying to tell me again... "You are not your career."

I must realize that "when I finally..." get back to work, all things won't suddenly be perfect... I must not fall into the "if only" trap regarding my career. Do I need to get back to work? Yes. Do I need to find something that uses my gifts and pleases god? Yes. Do I need to deal with the underlying issues that are preventing me from moving forward? Yes.

My new job is delivering delayed airline baggage to homes & hotels. I recently stopped at the Hyatt in Irvine to drop off a bag for 17 dollars. As I stood in the lobby I thought to myself, “With my abilities I could run this place. But here I am delivering luggage.” That is a lie. I must break my denial. I must admit that I am not ready for that type of responsibility, that I am not here by accident, and that God’s timing is perfect.

I must admit that I am not ready emotionally to begin working at my highest level. I am like a baseball pitcher recovering from an injury. I will need to pitch a few innings in the minors before I ready for the “Big Leagues” again.

My career is not me. In the past I have used my successes to avoid dealing with other issues. I allowed business success to set up expectations for my other relationships. These expectations were unrealistic and resulted in disappointment & resentment & stuffed feelings of frustration leading finally to depression.

"If only I can be successful at work I will be loved" was an unrealistic expectation.

This time around I want to offer my career up to god. I will not seek or expect love & approval as a result of my employment. I will not seek the appreciation of others as a reason to go to work or not go to work. I will work for an audience of one.

Thanks for letting me share. SW

Below 200 !

RESULTS: DOWN 40 lbs

State of sobriety from 1/31/05= 156 days.
Weight as of Wednesday 7am 07/06/05 = 199.5 lbs.
Total diet loss to date => 240-199.5 = 40.5 lbs.

BAD WEEKs:

Finnaly below the big 200. Its mid week, but I'm counting anyway. First time I'm sure since... oh... say 1983... when we moved to Santa Maria.

SW

RESULTS: DOWN 38 lbs

State of sobriety from 1/31/05= 154 days.
Weight as of 7am 07/04/05 = 202 lbs.
Loss for week ended 07/04/05 => 203-202 = 1 lbs.
Total diet loss 22 weeks to date => 240-202 = 38 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 22 weeks = 1.8 lbs per week.

BAD WEEK:

Lots of cravings. Right to the edge of sobriety. Increased activity allowed for loss.

SW