INTIMACY & FEELINGS

SHARING OF FEELINGS
&
THE ISSUE OF TRUST

Access to Feelings

When we share feelings we share our true selves.

Who we are, our authentic self, includes our beliefs, thoughts and feelings. Of the three, feelings are never wrong, they just are. Thoughts, however, can be flawed and beliefs false. Our feelings & emotions actually come from a deeper part of our brain than their intellectual counterparts. Even the word “feelings” implies their link to our physiology. Our bodies react to our feelings with responses like heart rate, perspiration, breathing, nausea, muscle weakness or strength.

If someone has control of our feelings they have access, not only to our thoughts & beliefs, but to our bodies and behaviors as well. Intimacy involves allowing access to our feelings.

So who do we allow to have access to our feelings?

Our feelings are for authorized personnel only. We do, after all, restrict access to our bodies & to our bank accounts. Keeping your clothes on and your wallet in your pocket does not make you an inauthentic phony nor does guarding our feelings.

Grant of Trust – Affirmation vs. Betrayal

Access to feelings requires the granting of trust.

Sometimes this “granting of trust” is appropriate, sometimes not. Whether it is given or not depends on two variables: capability & merit. Trust cannot be given unless the giver is capable of giving it & the beneficiary is capable of receiving it. Inability to give or receive trust is primarily an issue of brokenness. When capability is not an issue, then merit becomes the focus. Trust should not be given unless the beneficiary merits that trust. This puts a burden on the giver to determine trustworthiness. Without the ability to discern merit, the giver may grant trust to the unworthy or withhold it form the worthy.

When ones feelings are used against them to manipulate, control, criticize or condemn, trust is rewarded with betrayal. And betrayal of trust is the death knell of intimacy.

We must respect the care with which others guard their feelings and demand respect in guarding our own!

Intimacy then demands that we be trustworthy of another’s feelings. Closeness cannot live in a land of manipulation, control, criticism or condemnation. If people in general, and especially our loved ones, are unwilling to confide their feelings in us it is probably the fact that we are not trusted; that there is fear of control & criticism; that there are injuries form the past.

Granting of this trust is pre-requisite of true intimacy yet inappropriate use on another’s feelings is preventative.

Feelings shared should only be used to affirm & understand.

Knowing underlying feelings can help us to affirm character of another. Affirmation is knowledge with out judgment. “I know exactly how you feel” can be the most powerful of healing medicines. Knowing that you can be heard is the first step to trusting.

Knowing the underlying feelings can help us understand the behavior of another. It can be very clarifying & helps us understand real motivations. We can attribute motivations to behaviors but it is simply guess work without direct knowledge. We really can’t read minds or hearts. We only get into trouble when we try.

Therefore, shared feelings should only be used to affirm & understand; never to manipulate, control, criticize or condemn.

Expectations of Trust

We generally have an expectation that our loved ones will trust us enough to share their feeling. In our marriage relationships, this is a key factor in satisfying our need for intimacy.

If we want others to share their feelings with us, we must be available, accessible, and reliable. Availability requires physical presents. “You gotta be around.” Accessibility requires mental presents. “You gotta be there.” Reliability requires emotional presents. “You gotta be there for me.”

Availability means staying connected. Distance between friends is immaterial. Time between friends in deadly. Intimacy requires continuity. People that care about people stay in touch. And it is seldom to late to renew a friendship.

Accessibility means being open. The first step to sharing is active listening, paying attention. This might include setting time aside, without interruption or distraction. One on one means just that.

Reliability means predictable and nonjudgmental. And intimate relationships have balance. They aren’t one sided. It’s not all about you; it’s not all about them. The best way to be open to sharing is to share, then listen. If you spend more time-sharing that listening you may not be accessible. It may be best to start with “share a little, listen a little”, beginning with the small stuff to create a track record of predictable acceptance.

Offering to hear someone’s innermost feelings can be a sign of love. But an offer is just that. Expectations, demands, or coercion will never build the trust needed for intimacy. Trust can only ever be given freely.

Therefore, never ask someone to share their feelings; only offer to listen.

Summary

Intimacy is based on trust. Sharing feelings is a sign of that trust. Trust is dependent on ones capability to give it. Trust should be based on the merit of the one to be trusted. Shared feelings can only be used to understand & affirm. Any other use such manipulation, control, criticism or condemnation will certainly destroy trust and prevent intimacy. Intimacy with feelings requires availability, accessibility and reliability. The trust needed for intimacy must be freely given. It can never be coerced or demanded but always sought in the form of a loving offer.

SW