she told me once...

i usually offer a toast to the cooks,
to honor those who have prepared the feast.
she told me once that it disgusted her
that pose of the perfect husband.

out of habbit again i raised my glass
but i choked on the forgotten words
judgements of the past still undigested
"to a great meal," i mustered.

the bird had been carved
then the turkey slain.

oh well

still sick

WEDNESDAY NIGHT GROUP

potluck dinner at gwen's... good food, good fellowship
group starting to gel.

ANGER

my anger scares me because I know that it shoots off like a missile
then comes crashing to earth with a thud of self loathing.
its a bunker buster... crashing down through any hardened site
straight down to the control center... bam... lights out.

i’ve got to keep all that kindling of resentment cleared away...
or just a little spark will set it off...
a routine of sleep... good food... exercise... fellowship... keeps the area fire safe...
after the job was over I came down from a big high... wasn’t prepared...

that’s why it has to be a routine...

sw

sick of it

sick... went to doc... got pills... stayed away from home... missed group.

when the going gets tough

duck out!

is it better to be alone in a crowd... or just alone.

i spent the night in the car.... "ive never feel so alone, as when im lying next to you." (from a john denver song). just couldnt lie there any more.

stupid move.

went to 9am service alone. went by the house and left her a note... dumping. stupid move.

tough night

when you're not right with god....

wife sucks... kids suck... life sucks...

but its really just me that sucks...

boys day out

Recuperating from Friday's Boy's Day Out...

So this is what having boys is like... you know I have raised 4 daughters... well, yesterday I got an education...

My nephew (on Mary’s side) is 14 and car crazy... especially muscle cars... last time out I took him to Petersen’s car museum in L.A. and then for a ride in my dad's '68 mustang with the boss 302... blah blah blah... he & my dad on & on...rear end this ... transmission that.

This time we went to the drags in Pomona... finals in championship series or something... well its one third pits; one third trade show; one third race... we got there at 9am stayed till 5pm... go go go... the kid never stops moving or talking...

The hi-light was in the pits. We were standing about 6 feet from one of these 7000 horsepower sleds as it idled on the rack... the shock wave coming off the exhaust was stunning. Then, all of a sudden six mechanics dressed in spotless uniforms grabbed the steel frame of the dragster & leaned with all their weight... the head mechanic reached up & opened the throttle full... the roar pierced through every pore... I could feel my insides quake... the earplugs were useless as I covered my ears & ducked instinctively... I took a shot from my old adrenaline gland that made every hair (still left) stand on end & my heart jump into my throat... and the poisonous cloud of smoke just about finished me off. (no, I didn’t wet my pants!)

Amazing to think of the power generated as a few molecules of alcohol combine with a few molecules of oxygen under just the right conditions... of extreme pressure... then a little spark.... (hmmm, is there a message there?)

Today I’m recuperating... I think I’ll take one of my girls to the ballet.

40 days of basic

day at pomona race way, then CR

water: 2 diets
break: 3 pancakes, 1 egg
lunch: burger & chips
dinner: 2 pizza slices, salad
snack: pecan pie, decaf
ex: on feet all day
word: zip

lord, let me trust you enough
to trust the ones i love.

one if by land... the relatives are coming

... so we cleaned the house !!!

ill be taking my nephew (14) to the drag races tomorrow. after 4 daughters im enjoying this their special youthful energy.

... dinner at in-laws:

40 days of basic – 11/1
water: 2 cokes
breakfast: pastry 1 decaf
lunch: slices of beef, slice of cheese, chips
dinner: turkey dinner... no seconds
snack: popcorn, pie, icecream sand (adds up)
exercise: painting & cleaning... lots
sleep: 1130p-800a
the word: zip


this week slipped away... tues/thur bb studies... great lunch w/ jim & chris wed... i need to finish my write up on the inner city... then im going to start with our new points system sunday night

The Sabbath

I attended EveyMan's "Bring the men home" conference in Compton Saturday morning. I'll post my reflections on this conference at the conclusion of my "God Loves The Inner City" series.

LITTLE MUCHOW - "GLORIOUS" PRAISE
11am Praise service - Young Mr. M can carry-on !!


*** God Loves the Inner City - III

We crisscrossed the city. In each place we found a clean, modest, hopeful home. In each place a heart was touched.

One family, we met on their front porch. The house was freshly painted, the grass long but green. As we gathered around this fatherless family, a clean cut boy of about 13, sat on a bench, leaning against the porch wall, his oversized jacket drooped across is shoulders, his phone attached to his ear.

As we began to pray, he began to slip away; as if by not seeing, he had not been seen. Then Pastor Frank raised a single silent index finger, and stopped the retreat in its tracks!! As if by remote control, he directed the young man into a standing, straight-backed “attention” at his mother’s side.

And so, in some small way, he became a man in the company of men.

(More on this later…)

HE gets what HE wants

I guess I was supposed to be at CR last night. I started out for Compton... I planed to leave at 1pm... But at 12:30 Mary called to have me take her home from school... too sick to drive. I tucked her in... and left at 5:30pm... by 6:30 I was only to Anaheim...

I got the message. Turned around & went to Saddleback.

MORE: God loves the inner City !! (continued from 11/5)

My group went with pastor frank as we spread out across the city. Our first stop was a large apartment complex checkered with barred windows. As a dozen men in black tee-shirts approached with a gift basket, a little lady who had been sweeping the walk was startled into action slamming the large security gate in panic, before we could enter.

After we had made our presentation, she stopped me on the way out. She explained that, “I’m sorry I slammed the gate. But the vice squad was here twice this week & I just didn’t know what was happening," she said with a relieved smile.

(More tomorrow)

-- My Daily Word --

23They may have an illusion of security,but God has his eye on them.24They may get their brief successes,but then it's over, nothing to show for it.Like yesterday's newspaper,they're used to wrap up the garbage. (Job 24:23-24)

He is in one mind.
His understand is perfect.
I have faith in his promises.
May I not be fooled by the illusion of security.
May I not be fooled by my brief successes.
SW

God loves the inner city !!

Last Saturday I returned to the neighborhood where Mom grew up, near Florence & Western. The Everyman Ministry from saddleback joined forces with men from African-American churches in Los Angeles in advance of the EveryMan conference to be held the following weekend in Compton.

About 40 men from South County teamed with some 20 men from the city to deliver gift baskets to single mothers. We went to their homes, presented them with a gift basket on behalf of their pastor & the men or the parish in order to honor them for doing God’s work in raising His children. We reminded them that there is one man that they can always count on, and His name is Jesus Christ. We offered to pray for them and ask if they had any immediate needs.

I was blessed to present a basket to a young African-American. When I ask her how I might pray for her she said, “my son Micah constantly asks why their family doesn’t have a man & a woman. He wants to know if they are still a family.’’ She was quite emotional as we prayed for gods wisdoms and that God might bring a male role model into their lives.”

(More on this later…)


‘Oh, that I knew where I might find Him!’—Job 23:3

“It is one of the strange things in the dealings of Jesus, that even when we arrive at this state of entire spiritual destitution, we do not always become at once the objects of his justifying grace. Long seasons frequently intervene between our knowledge of our ruin, our hearing of a deliverer, and the application of that deliverer's hand.” Charles H. Spurgeon
(1834-1892)

Lord act quickly
hear my call today
though I ignored Your constant invitations
for give my pride
and grant relief
to Your impatient child.
SW

New week – New month – Same Old Story

New week – New month – Same Old Story - No longer employed

Our 12 step band of brothers – I am proud to go into spiritual war with this kin. Breaking down walls of denial… shining light on the dark secrets of our past… honesty, transparency, sincerity, truthfulness until it hurts… this is napalm incinerating the deceiver.

We seek the fruit of the spirit. We stand on His promises.

40 days of basic –
water: 1 coke
breakfast: pastry 1 decaf
lunch: burg fries
dinner: steak fries broc bread
snack: none
exercise: none
sleep: 1130p-800a
the word: job 22

"23Come back to God Almightyand he'll rebuild your life.Clean house of everything evil.24Relax your grip on your moneyand abandon your gold-plated luxury.25God Almighty will be your treasure,more wealth than you can imagine." Job 22:23-25

Coming back to God
Always coming back...
Lord let me stay in your Word
& in your presents.
SW

make us ready

(a reflection on Job 17)

Ready for death
Ready to triumph over you
And snatch away the sting.

Ready for the grave
For now the loss
Is victory.

Ready for heaven
For I am robed in white
Spotless, clean, unsoiled.

Lord make us ready

SW

40 days of basic
water - 1coke,1coffee
brk - pastry
lunch- burg & fries
dinner- small portion spegetti
snack - 1 cookie
ex - walk
sleep 11-6
(falling off the wagon, need to get with the program)

election day

God grant our leaders widom.

He is ready

THE GRAVES ARE READY FOR ME. Job 17:1


Ready means prepared. A man is not ready until he is packed & has paid his passage.

"Sprinkled now with blood the throne,
Why beneath thy burdens groan?
All the wrath on him was laid
Justice owns the ransom paid."

No road is ready until it is cleared. The road was blocked.

“but Jesus Christ hath with his cross,
tunneled every mountain, filled every valley,
and bridged every chasm, so that the way of pardon
is now fully prepared.”

God is prepared. God is ready.

When God is ready to forgive, everything must have been prepared for him to do so.

"The moment a sinner believes,And trusts in his crucified God,His pardon at once he receives,redemption in full through his blood."

It is but for us to believe, and turn.