RIGHTS VS. DESIRES

The Great Boundary

A BOUNDARY is protecting something that we have a right to.
An EXPECTATION is anticipating something that is not ours.

BOUNDARIES are about our rights.
EXPECTATIONS are about our needs wants and desires.

Before we can set BOUNDARIES and EXPECTATIONS
We must know our rights vs. our desires.

We can CLAIM, demand and protect our rights
We must REQUEST, earn and negotiate for our desires.


Example: HONOR vs. RESPECT

Set your boundaries for respectful behavior without expectation of respect.

The bible says honor your father. This honor goes with the position, not the person. We can be honored as a father and not have the respect of our children. We can demand honoring behavior. But respect must be earned & is based on our behavior over time.

What is honoring behavior? They are the minimum behaviors we can claim from our children: like being addressed politely and with the proper tone; submitting to authority & the needs of the family; listening politely; respect for family property; following through on assignments & commitments. Claiming these rights from our children does not give us the right to be a dictator. All our rights have associated responsibilities for us. These would include: compassion, empathy, understanding, love, justice, mercy, grace, forgiveness and especially allowing our children to have their say & be heard.

Even if we earn fatherly respect, it can only be given to us freely, we cannot demand it. Even if we have earned it, our children's immaturity may prevent them from giving it. We can demand respectful behavior, but must earn the actual respect itself. We may need to repair our relationships with our children before we will earn their respect. So our patience is in order. But in the mean time we must claim our right to be honored with respectful behavior. This in itself may help earn the respect we crave.

Claim the behaviors; earn the respect, using appropriate boundaries & consequences with love.

Something to consider: as husbands we have similar rights to respectful behavior. We can claim certain minimum behaviors from our wives as our rights as a husband. But the rest must be earned and be given freely. A boundary of no abusive language, for instance, would be your right as a husband to claim, almost a duty, really. Yes, claim it with a boundary & appropriate consequences. But trust, for instance, once broken, must be re-earned. Here, it is your responsibility to express your need, want and desire to earn that trust back. Many of our wives forgive us, but we are disappointed that we are not immediately trusted again. This unreasonable expectation can lead to anger & resentment on our part. It is our responsibility to earn back, over time, any trust we have broken. Trust is not a right anymore than is respect. These require us to express our needs wants and desires by asking for the chance to prove ourselves... then doing it. (Always remember, her lack of trust may be about her brokenness & inability to trust regardless of your actions... this side of unmet expectations and our related co-dependent reactions is for another time.)

SW