just sticking my head up

What I hold back...
holds me baaaaaaaack!.

What I let go
Let's me gooooooooo!

sw

time to update.

im still here... just busy

it IS about you

IT IS ABOUT YOU...

...At least when it comes to the "Real You"!

--? Is it your responsibility to be heard by others ?









--I offer an emphatic, “NO!”

Our responsibility is to “TELL”, then to “BE & DO”... not for others, but to others with & through God.

We are commissioned to “Tell” the good news. We are likewise called to “BE Doers” of the Word. But the actual acceptance of the message & the messenger, the hearing part, is out of our hands.

When Paul said he became all things to all men, he was talking about his delivery, not their acceptance. He was talking about his responsibility to speak in a form that would “allow” for others to hear. The actual hearing part was out of his hands. The message is the same for every audience. Jesus spoke in parables so that some would be able to receive the truth. But not all could or would. Yet, although He had the power, He did not “make” them hear it. He was the first, “We report, you decide,” network newsman.

Do you--Wait for permission of others to “DO” what “YOU” need to do?
Do you--Need to be heard & understood before you can act?
Do you--Condition what you are to “BE” on the acceptance of others?

… Then you have made others into your God!

The disciples were announcers & doers, not diplomats. They presented the truth in the language of the intended listener. But they did not take responsibility for the “hearing”. The choice to be heard was not theirs to make. Neither is it yours.

--So the believer may ask: If it’s not about me... isn’t it then about others???

NO... It’s about God... and my acting in His will !!!!

Regardless of what others say, think, understand or even know...
I must decide, announce , be and then do what God requires of “ME”.

Encouragement: -When it comes to being the real you...No one else is involved... Just you and God. Stop asking for permission to be what God has made. Stop waiting for consensus. Stop needing to be heard. -- Start deciding what he wants. Announce it in love. Then Be it & Do it!

It’s all about YOU... to Decide, Announce, Be & Do… What He requires of YOU!

SW

Choices & Secrets

Choice is something you only lose when you give it to someone else.

Your enemy becomes your teacher when ever a secret dies.

useless to argue?

"It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of what he was never reasoned into." Jonathan Swift

Amends -- God's timing

The steps have a specific order for a reason... don't get head of yourself.
Remember, an amends are not an apology. An amends is about God’s forgiveness and your healing. An amends is done “to” another “for” God. An amends should be given without expectation about the recipient’s reaction. It’s not about them. You make an amends, not because you hurt someone, but because you have hurt your relationship with God through your treatment of another. This is more about your disobedience, rather than their hurt.
It would be co-d to use an amends to “fix” someone else’s hurt or to manipulate their opinion of you.
So focus on the objective: You are giving your sin to God for forgiveness and healing.
Here is a recap of my ideas on the amends process:

How can you give your sin to God? How can I begin to heal?
--Acknowledge it. You cannot change what you cannot acknowledge, so this is the first step. It is primarily the process of breaking denial about your responsibility for your actions. It is the process of fully admitting responsibility.
--Name it. You can not fully acknowledge what you can not define, so this is the second step. It is primarily the process of putting into words the exact nature and results of your actions. It is the process of fully defining your responsibility.
--Own it. Now, you have already a admitted wrong and spelled out exactly what you have done. The third step to own it by expressing regret & repentance. This is the process of telling... God and someone else (in confession, another believer; in amends, the other involved party).
Give it away. Give the sin to God and accept his forgiveness. You have no right to give away what you do not own.

The first three steps are required to for you to attain ownership. Now by giving it to God, you are washed clean and the healing can begin.

SW

christmas depression

Q: what is the cause of christmas depression?????

A: low "elf" esteem.

SW

AIDS/HIV Awareness

i spent thurs evening at church praying for those suffering with aids/hiv...
our church was hosting a conference on the subject this week...

our pastor says we may not be able to change the world but we can change a life...

here's an article on the goings on...

http://www.ocregister.com

"what you resist... will persist."

what are you currently resisting in your relationship with God, wife, others...???
... so what has been persisting as a result...???

or reverse it...

what has been persisting in your relationships with God, wife, others...????
... so what then are you resisting & why...???

SW

Daily Inventory - Owning my choice

STEP 4 ENCOUNAGEMENT - Owning my choice.

I don’t have to live with my wife. No ifs ands or buts about it. I am free to choose. In fact, I am choosing at this very moment.

I would survive without her. She would survive without me. The kids would survive even if I leave. I cannot make this about them. Blaming them because I am “stuck” is just plain denial.

If my wife was a love machine pumping out love 24/7 at 10,000 gallons a minute...

IT WOULD NEVER FILL ME...
BECAUSE I HAVE HOLES.


Until I deal with the holes, I will remain empty, starving, desperate and addicted to my unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I’VE GOT TO DEAL WITH THE HOLES!
God gave me a free will. I choose to be in a relationship or I choose not to be. If I feel force in a relationship, I may choose to resist, yield or get out of the way. But every moment, I am choosing.

GOD promises to give ME all I need... when I am obedient! He doesn't promise to magically change her into my "Stepford Wife."

I'm not a CR because of my wife! I'm here because of the way I treat her and allow her to treat me!

CONCLUSION


I HAVE TO OWN IT! I have to decide to deal with my holes.
I HAVE TO OWN IT! I have to decide that until I deal with my holes that my relationships will be unsatisfying.
I HAVE TO OWN IT! I have to decide that I must look at my holes... to allow them to be seen... so that God may heal me.
SW

(NEXT: Taking ownership)

Daily Inventory - Seeing the Boy... finding the Man

Step 4 Encouragement - Seeing the Boy - Finding the Man


What is the payoff of being a child vs. the cost of being an adult?

As Children:

· Women look to their fathers for a hero. They are often left without one & find it difficult to trust and share control with men.

· Men look to their mothers for self worth. They are often left without approval & find it difficult to trust and share control with women.

As Adults:

· Men come to their wives as a child seeking approval & self worth. Men may find dependency or independency as the way to fill the need for approval or deny it; always resenting the need for it and the control it gives their women over them.

· Women come to their husbands as a child seeking a hero. Women may take control or surrender all of it as a way to fill their need for the hero or deny it; always resenting the need for it and the control it gives their men over them.

What is missing?

· Why can’t women give their husbands the approval they seek?

· Why can’t men be the heroes their wives want them to be?


Because We Must Control What Others Think of Us at All Costs...
for we have been hurt!

Our supreme fear is that others see who we fear we have become…
And that they will abandon us.
And so we have hidden our own true selves beneath our addictions.


Our inventory is simply finding OUR OWN TRUE SELVES.

The one God made
The one God loves
The one God has forgiven!

In and through our past conflicts, struggles, triumphs & victories.


LET US SEE THE BOY AND FIND THE MAN ---



LET THE DIGGING BEGIN.

SW

Teach a child...

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. - Old Joke

Being nice at all costs, costs all. - SW.


Just a thought...

Beatitude2 Diet - Week 35 - 1

RESULTS: Down 1 lb - for 27 lbs Total

-

State of sobriety from 09/26/05= 7 days.
Weight as of 7am 10/03/05 = 213 lbs.
LOSS for week ended 10/03/05 => 214-213 = 1 lbs.
Total diet loss 1 weeks to date => 214-213 = 1 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 1 weeks = 1 lbs per week.

-

Total loss since 01/31/05 over 245 days / 35 weeks = 240-213 = 27 lbs

Percentage of Goal 240-175 = 27 lbs/65 lbs = 42%

Slow start. not getting regular breakfast. not doing soup for lunch. blah blah blah. surprised by any loss.

SW

Pilot in Command

“Respect is love dressed in everyday clothes.” - poet

-- Only when I establish boundaries do I establish myself. SW. --

Boundaries go both ways. I can violate someone else’s boundaries or they can violate mine.

I may inadvertently allow a violation if I engage them in a negotiation of what I am going to do. Say my wife says “I insist that X be finished by tomorrow.” This may be a boundary violation if X is your pre-agreed to responsibility. She may have a right to make a request, but she has no right to give you orders. Here, I have an obligation to remind her that she has ceded this area to me and made it my responsibility. Trying to take it back is a serious boundary violation and extremely disrespectful.

EXAMPLE – Pilot in command. I flew a two-place airplane to Alaska with a friend. He sat in the right seat, I in the left. Only one pilot has command of the plane at a time. He has the full responsibility and the full authority for the safe operation of the aircraft.

As co-pilot I can make observations, recommendations and requests, but not demands. He has control until he chooses to give it to me. When he says, “You’ve got it,” that means I am pilot in command until I give it back with the same phrase. As soon as I say, “I’ve got it,” I have full responsibility and authority for the aircraft. He can’t take it back. I can only give it to him.

Imagine the two of us fighting over the controls, he holding onto his yoke, I holding onto mine. What if I said, “If you don’t turn right in 60 seconds, I’m going to take the controls and turn for you”? This could only lead to disaster. And what does it say about my respect for the established boundaries. This would a sign of my contempt for the normal rules of our relationship.

OPTION – Don’t negotiate, inform.

When my wife starts making demands about my responsibility X, I want to post my boundary. “Honey, I see your concern but this is my job and I am working on it. If you would like to discuss what my plans are I would like that.” That’s the boundary.

Part of my responsibility in a partnership is to keep my partner informed as to how I’m doing on those tasks. This process may sound like this:

“I so far I have done A, B, and C. Now I plan to do D, E, and F. I hope to finish by Z. However, there are some uncertainties that may delay or change the outcome, so I can only promise to be working on it until it is finished. I am not goofing off and playing golf. I am diligently working on my responsibilities. Now, do you have any comments or SUGGESTIONS about MY task. Blah, blah, blah. Thank you. Based on that SUGGESTION I will make this xxx change to my plans. Thank you for keeping me informed.

If you engage in a debate, you give her permission to second guess, condemn, criticize, and control. It is up to the pilot in command to say, “No, I’m in control. But I am listening to your input & will keep you informed.”

SW

Daily Inventory - Boundaries Define Us

PROPOSITION - To know who we are, we must know who we have become.

Imagine The Creator forming my soul with his own hands, fashioning unique qualities & characteristics to make it distinctive from all others.

• I have been given an individual and recognizable shape.
• I have form and space in time and place.
• I am unique & separate.

To be separate, there must be a point where I begin and all others end: an outside and an inside. Everything inside my soul is mine alone. Here are my gifts and talents as well as my flaws and weaknesses. Here too is my free will. These belong to me along with their associated rights and responsibilities. They all reside inside my shape.

When I was defined, my boundaries defined me. Everything outside my shape does not belong to me. I have been kept purposely separate. The outside world and I only meet at my boundaries.

I have been given the free will to make a choice!

• Have I been respecting my boundaries?
• Have I been protecting them?
• If this is the real me, shouldn't I acknowledge & maintain the very thing that defines me as me.
• If allow others to change or move my boundaries, what am I saying about the gift of my very soul?
• Will I let what I think others think about me push me out of the very shape designed for me to take?

My lack of knowledge & respect for my given boundaries has been the root cause of most of my life's problems.

CONCLUSION -

I have come to believe, that knowing myself & knowing my boundaries is a vital step in understanding my relationship with my God and my world.


When I feel far from God,
I have but wandered
Far from my soul.

SW

Beatitude Diet - New 40 days

RESULTS: Do Over -

New 40 Days of Basic

-

From: 01/31/05 - 238 days = Restart: 09/26/05 - 0 days

-
State of sobriety from 09/26/05= 0 days.
Weight as of 7am 09/26/05 = 214 lbs.
LOSS for week ended 09/26/05 => 204-204 = 0 lbs.
Total diet loss 0 weeks to date => 214-214 = 0 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 0 weeks = 0 lbs per week.

-

Total loss since 01/31/05 over 238 days / 34 weeks = 240-214 = 26 lbs

Percentage of Goal 240-175 = 26 lbs/65 lbs = 40%

Bad week. Gained 4 lbs. Official start moved to today 09/26/05. Routine, routine, routine.

-- Lost 41 lbs & got down to 199... fell off wagon and gained 15 back up to 214. Ready to Go!

SW

Joke of the week

AAAAA
The Organization for Drunk Drivers

Beatitude Diet - Recap & Resumption

RESULTS: LOSS OF SOBRIETY

A GAIN OF OVER 10 LBS FROM LOW

A GAIN MORE THAN TWO WEEKS IN A ROW

CURRENT STATUS: DOWN 30 lbs

State of sobriety from 01/31/05 // 09/19/05= 231//0 days.
Weight as of 7am 09/19/05 = 210 lbs.
LOSS for week ended 09/19/05 => 204-204 = 0 lbs.
Total diet loss 33/0 weeks to date => 240-210 = 30/0 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 33/0 weeks = 1.2/0 lbs per week.

I fell off the wagon as a result of the tripple hat trick of the Angel Tree Camp, my Alaskan vacation, and finally my mother's death. The last two weeks I've been slamin' the food. I was down to 199.5 lbs just before the vacation. Gained 10.5 lbs during & since. I am completely off my routine. So this is the appropriate time to start with a fresh 40 Days of Basic. I am disappointed but not too surprised. I've made progress and learned alot that will see me through my next phase.

SW

In 100 Words: Flight 93

Greater love hath no man than this,
that a man lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13 (King James Version)

In 100 Words: Flight 93

They did not ask; they acted. Their situation required no extensive soul searching, no profound analysis.

They knew what was happening. The decided it was wrong. They acted. Together.

Why does this particular act so grab at our hearts? Is it because we are in the same situation: knowing what is happening, deciding it is wrong, yet lacking the courage, we sit passively waiting for someone else to pay the price?

In this act, we can see America as a calling as much as a country. We can see a confirmation of our collective spirit:

“Together we WILL be free.”

SW

Wonderings in 100 Words or Less

Luke 16:15 (New International Version)

15He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight.


Wonderings in 100 Words or Less

God “knows my heart.” But how can I...
When I filter who I am through “the eyes of men”?


I measure myself
By what I think
Other men think
I should be.


This is “detestable”.

God KNOWS my heart. I owe it to Him to be fully that man. To take full possession of my authentic heart, I must acknowledge it’s true wants & needs, then be willing to proclaim them.

I have spent too much time trying to be the man I thought my wife would love; instead of being the man God made for my wife to love.

SW

I'm back in action

Prep'd for vacation. Then 12 days in Alaska. Returned home to the news that Mom was going into hospice care with brain cancer. Spent a week dealing with those preparations when she passed away at home unexpectedly on Thursday August 25th at 8am. She was at peace, free of pain, with Dad at her side. We immediately began making arrangements for her memorial. Finally, we have been helping Dad with his adjustment to being alone after 54 years of marriage.

It's all been a fog. But God's hand has been on the whole process. And now I'm back. SW

Piper Arrow


OFF TO ALASKA TOMORROW !

Departure Leg:
--Wednesday 8/03 SNA to SEA
--Thursday 8/04 SEA to Whitehorse
--Friday 8/05 Whitehorse to ANC

Vacation-Anchorage, Alaska:
=Saturday thru Thursday 8/06-8/11
---Bears, Glaciers, Sled Dogs, Hiking, Fishing, Kayaking, plus Denali National Park.

Return Leg 1:
=Friday 8/12 ANC to Whitehorse
=Saturday 8/13 Whitehorse to SEA

Vacation-Seattle, WA:
=Sunday thru Friday 8/14-8/19
---Visiting Aunt Barbara & cousins in Poulsbo/Seattle Areas
---Camping Olympic National Park

Return Leg 2:
=Saturday 8/20 SEA to SNA
---Home for dinner.

Summary:

I will be flying from Newport Beach, CA to Anchorage, AK via Seattle WA with my friend Scott Turner. Our wives will be joining us via commercial travel for a week’s vacation at the Alyeska Resort on the Kenai Peninsula. I will return with a stop in Seattle for a visit with my relatives and meet up with Mary at home.

SW

B-eat-ITUDE Diet - 6 Months

RESULTS: DOWN 36 lbs

State of sobriety from 1/31/05= 172 days.
Weight as of 7am 08/01/05 = 204 lbs.
GAIN for 2 week ended 08/01/05 => 202-204 = 2 lbs.
Total diet loss 26 weeks to date => 240-204 = 36 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 26 weeks = 1.4 lbs per week.

BAD WEEKs:

Missed weighin last week 07/25/05. Angel Tree Camp really threw me off my routine. Leaving on vacation Wednesday. Will miss Next two week's weigh-ins. Then back to it!

SW

Hope & Insanity

Walking on eggshells? Smashing Eggs? Why do I do it? In order to make an omelet, eggs must be broken but not wasted.

Jesus broke eggs. He cracked the hard outer shell of the worlds understanding and belief. He simply lived out his authentic self & the eggs of denial cracked against the edge of his immovable truth. He told it straight, knowing that his body would be broken and scrambled. But in the end he would rise like a wonderful shuffle using the malleable inner components of the love, casting aside the hard broken shell of false pride.

I have at times walked on eggshells. I have been unwilling to be who I really am for fear that my relationships would crack. Once I start denying who I am, I must become someone I am not. This is where my coping methods become habits and addictions. This is where I was cling to these behaviors, doing them over & over again until I had a dozen eggs juggling in the air, trying to please everyone but God & myself. Eventually the eggs of my relationships come crashing down, to my constant surprise; doing the same thing over & over again; expecting a different result; hoping that this time the eggs won’t break.

I have at times stomped on a carton of eggs. I have been unwilling to accept the way others react to the real me. Once I start denying who I am, I must be someone I am not. This is when I have acted out in anger, driving away the ones I love before I can be rejected. I have also acted out in a passive aggression, isolating and withdrawing as if to punish those who dare not to accept the real me. I have allowed others to provoke & manipulate my emotions and behaviors through their withholding of approval.

I will no longer base my behavior on what is acceptable to others. I will no longer expect anyone to approve of my actions. I will do as God requires, even if it breaks a few eggs.

I will now fully be the person God made me to be: The real Steve Wilson. If you like it, come along for the ride, consider yourself invited. If not, that’s your problem, deal with it! I am going to live for an audience of One. I will submit to His leading, through his word and the discipline of being a part of his body, the church.

I no longer need to hide in my habits and additions. I cast them aside like so many broken shells. I now seek to abide in Him. I’m going to get busy making that omelet that He has set out before me. So stand back... Bam! I’m going to kick it up a notch.

SW

new steps

Mary, Newport Harbor Overlook.

This is the love of my life. She is struggling to follow as I begin to lead her through some new steps I have learned in the dance of life. We are each willing but sometimes frustrated as we unlearn the old and learn the new. SW

RESULTS: DOWN 36 lbs

State of sobriety from 1/31/05= 168 days.
Weight as of 7am 07/18/05 = 204 lbs.
GAIN for 2 week ended 07/18/05 => 202-204 = 2 lbs.
Total diet loss 24 weeks to date => 240-204 = 36 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 24 weeks = 1.8 lbs per week.

BAD WEEKs:

Back up 2 from my last offical Monday weigh-in, 07/04/05. Missed weighin last week because I was at Angel Tree Camp with kids who's parents are in prison. Three great meals per day plus Streeeeeeess. With the last two weeks being a struggle, I'm not surprised by my first gain in almost 6 months. Now back to the routine.

SW

RESULTS: Missed Weigh-In

State of sobriety from 1/31/05= 161 days.
Weight as of 7am 07/11/05 = XXX lbs.
Loss for week ended 07/11/05 => XXX

Total diet loss 23 weeks to date => 240-202 = 38 lbs. per last week
Average weekly loss over 23 weeks = 1.8 lbs per week.

SW- Missed weigh-in. Attending Angel Tree Camp.

I Am Not My Career

I think god is trying to tell me again... "You are not your career."

I must realize that "when I finally..." get back to work, all things won't suddenly be perfect... I must not fall into the "if only" trap regarding my career. Do I need to get back to work? Yes. Do I need to find something that uses my gifts and pleases god? Yes. Do I need to deal with the underlying issues that are preventing me from moving forward? Yes.

My new job is delivering delayed airline baggage to homes & hotels. I recently stopped at the Hyatt in Irvine to drop off a bag for 17 dollars. As I stood in the lobby I thought to myself, “With my abilities I could run this place. But here I am delivering luggage.” That is a lie. I must break my denial. I must admit that I am not ready for that type of responsibility, that I am not here by accident, and that God’s timing is perfect.

I must admit that I am not ready emotionally to begin working at my highest level. I am like a baseball pitcher recovering from an injury. I will need to pitch a few innings in the minors before I ready for the “Big Leagues” again.

My career is not me. In the past I have used my successes to avoid dealing with other issues. I allowed business success to set up expectations for my other relationships. These expectations were unrealistic and resulted in disappointment & resentment & stuffed feelings of frustration leading finally to depression.

"If only I can be successful at work I will be loved" was an unrealistic expectation.

This time around I want to offer my career up to god. I will not seek or expect love & approval as a result of my employment. I will not seek the appreciation of others as a reason to go to work or not go to work. I will work for an audience of one.

Thanks for letting me share. SW

Below 200 !

RESULTS: DOWN 40 lbs

State of sobriety from 1/31/05= 156 days.
Weight as of Wednesday 7am 07/06/05 = 199.5 lbs.
Total diet loss to date => 240-199.5 = 40.5 lbs.

BAD WEEKs:

Finnaly below the big 200. Its mid week, but I'm counting anyway. First time I'm sure since... oh... say 1983... when we moved to Santa Maria.

SW

RESULTS: DOWN 38 lbs

State of sobriety from 1/31/05= 154 days.
Weight as of 7am 07/04/05 = 202 lbs.
Loss for week ended 07/04/05 => 203-202 = 1 lbs.
Total diet loss 22 weeks to date => 240-202 = 38 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 22 weeks = 1.8 lbs per week.

BAD WEEK:

Lots of cravings. Right to the edge of sobriety. Increased activity allowed for loss.

SW

TURN OVER POWER... TO GAIN CONTROL

Power & Control

These two words were keys to beginning my recovery. Without a clear understand of where I did and did not have power or control in my life, it became an unmanageable.

Power is the “power to decide.”

To me power implies ownership. I have power over what I own & what I own I have power over. This is clearly stated to me in the scriptures, “… you can not have two masters.” As a slave, one and only one person has power over you, your owner.

Control is the “control of action.”

To me control implies the ability to direct action. Control is different from power in that one can control what he does not own. An example of this is a borrowed car. Here, the owner has delegated limited powers for a given time, place and purpose. You may be at the wheel, but the owner retains the ultimate terms of use. You could not sell it or trade it in without the pink slip. You certainly wouldn’t paint it a new color or change the upholstery. Even if you did, it wouldn’t mean you had the power to do so. It would only mean you misused your control.

I was blinded by pride.

My problems came when I tried to control things I really did not have the power to; or when I did not control the things I owned. I could not recognize what owned me & what I owned. I let things go when I should have acted. I acted on things I should have let go. I was angry, frustrated, resentful, and finally depressed, guilt ridden, and alone.

Then I started to work the first step.

I began to realize how little I owned. I looked at my past for the things I really had power over, because power is a sign of ownership. And in the first question of the first book I began to see how little power I had over my life. I began to see how powerless I was.

As I began to see how little I owned, I began to realize that another owned me. There was power in my life after all. I saw so many blessings, so many times I was protected. There were so many times when I felt the presents of a power greater than myself. Now I saw that this power was the power of ownership. Now I saw that this power came from my “Owner”.

Control is a necessary part of living a healthy life.

I began to understand that my life was out of control because I had not recognized the One with the power over it. I had not recognized my “owner”, my “Master”, as the scripture says.

I gained control when I turned over power.

God has given me a free will. That means I own myself (but no one else) and have power over my own decisions (and no one else’s). I have come to understand that when my will is in alignment with His that He will supply the power necessary to carry out that will; and with that power, the control I need to live out a healthy, joyful life will abound.

RESULTS: DOWN 37 lbs

State of sobriety from 1/31/05= 147 days.
Weight as of 7am 06/27/05 = 203 lbs.
Loss for week ended 06/27/05 => 205-203 = 2 lbs.
Total diet loss 21 weeks to date => 240-203 = 37 lbs.
Average weekly loss over 21 weeks = 1.8 lbs per week.

No questions asked:

stepped on scale. 203. down two. took it to the bank. no questions asked.

SW

Happy Birthday Mary

took her shopping for new duds yesterday... mayco sale... her folks took us out to dinner... tomorrow she'll get a plane ride over the house from a friend in his little plane... yes the one well fly to alaska. SW