Pilot in Command

“Respect is love dressed in everyday clothes.” - poet

-- Only when I establish boundaries do I establish myself. SW. --

Boundaries go both ways. I can violate someone else’s boundaries or they can violate mine.

I may inadvertently allow a violation if I engage them in a negotiation of what I am going to do. Say my wife says “I insist that X be finished by tomorrow.” This may be a boundary violation if X is your pre-agreed to responsibility. She may have a right to make a request, but she has no right to give you orders. Here, I have an obligation to remind her that she has ceded this area to me and made it my responsibility. Trying to take it back is a serious boundary violation and extremely disrespectful.

EXAMPLE – Pilot in command. I flew a two-place airplane to Alaska with a friend. He sat in the right seat, I in the left. Only one pilot has command of the plane at a time. He has the full responsibility and the full authority for the safe operation of the aircraft.

As co-pilot I can make observations, recommendations and requests, but not demands. He has control until he chooses to give it to me. When he says, “You’ve got it,” that means I am pilot in command until I give it back with the same phrase. As soon as I say, “I’ve got it,” I have full responsibility and authority for the aircraft. He can’t take it back. I can only give it to him.

Imagine the two of us fighting over the controls, he holding onto his yoke, I holding onto mine. What if I said, “If you don’t turn right in 60 seconds, I’m going to take the controls and turn for you”? This could only lead to disaster. And what does it say about my respect for the established boundaries. This would a sign of my contempt for the normal rules of our relationship.

OPTION – Don’t negotiate, inform.

When my wife starts making demands about my responsibility X, I want to post my boundary. “Honey, I see your concern but this is my job and I am working on it. If you would like to discuss what my plans are I would like that.” That’s the boundary.

Part of my responsibility in a partnership is to keep my partner informed as to how I’m doing on those tasks. This process may sound like this:

“I so far I have done A, B, and C. Now I plan to do D, E, and F. I hope to finish by Z. However, there are some uncertainties that may delay or change the outcome, so I can only promise to be working on it until it is finished. I am not goofing off and playing golf. I am diligently working on my responsibilities. Now, do you have any comments or SUGGESTIONS about MY task. Blah, blah, blah. Thank you. Based on that SUGGESTION I will make this xxx change to my plans. Thank you for keeping me informed.

If you engage in a debate, you give her permission to second guess, condemn, criticize, and control. It is up to the pilot in command to say, “No, I’m in control. But I am listening to your input & will keep you informed.”

SW